I Won't Dance
by Katbin
Summary: It's been a year since it all ended. Shepard finally gets to see everyone again, gets to see her family. Now that she has the time, she wants one particular person to know what he means to her. Shega. Destroy ending.
1. Chapter 1

Shepard shifted uncomfortably for the third time in the ten minutes since she had arrived. How she had been talked into wearing a dress, much less a dress like _this_ , for the one-year anniversary of the end of the Reaper War remained a mystery to her. Okay, maybe not a complete mystery. So she had been a bit absent minded when it came to preparing for the get together and had at last minute asked for something to be sent to her apartment. Just as she had expected, this morning a much too pricey looking box tied with a black silk ribbon was waiting for her outside her door. Liara really had adopted a sense of flair and theatricality since becoming the Shadow Broker.

What her friend had been thinking was the true mystery. Liara must have chosen something with her eyes closed but there wasn't time to get something else. It was amazing that she had found something at all and had it delivered in less than twenty-four hours. Even more impressive since the Mass Relays were still in a state of emergency only use and the dress obviously wasn't Earth-made.

This whole 'celebration' made her stomach churn if she was totally honest. The idea of celebrating after so many had died still didn't sit right with her. So many people she had known – gone. So many people she had loved wouldn't be in attendance tonight. Ashley, Thane, Mordin, Legion, Anderson… the countless others she had heard of since her second return from the land of the dead. How had she survived the Crucible while so many others hadn't made it to see this peace? Perhaps it was the guilt that made her feel sick, and not the smiling faces and laughter around her.

 _Deep breaths_ she reminded herself. _There isn't anything you can change about what happened. You're alive. Cherish the time you have._ The Reapers were gone. She'd made sure of that. Destroyed in a flash of red light that had traveled through the galaxy. Now life flourished in the absence of their destruction. It had been fascinating to see how close all the races remained even after the fighting had ended; how many different scientists had banded together to make sure the Geth and other AIs had recovered from the blast. Every choice had consequences, Shepard remembered, but she didn't believe that the Catalyst had ever estimated them correctly. By the time she had been rescued from the rubble and awoken from her coma, EDI had been operational and at her side with that gentle and non-judgmental smile.

She could hear and see evidence of the ties all around her in the Alliance headquarters banquet hall. A krogan laughing at a quarians's joke, a turian holding close to his human mate, a batarian and an asari discussing battle tactics. Vancouver had been one of the first cities to claw itself out of the rubble and the building she had witnessed a Reaper beam tear through was restored and running in less than five months. Now it stood ready to welcome dignitaries and soldiers, survivors from the fighting, into the lavish and bright celebration of life.

Again, Shepard shifted in the dress and pulled at the sweetheart neckline. This strapless bra business wasn't worth the pain in the ass it was causing. She shook her head, cursing Hackett's message of 'dress blues are not an option, Shepard' but was thankful she was hiding behind a large enough pillar to conceal her ministrations. She'd been here for some time, avoiding setting foot into the spotlight. It had been over a year, over a year of little contact with the outside world.

Waking up from the coma wasn't pleasant. She'd never been in so much pain. Even being spaced wasn't as bad as what she'd felt. It was even worse when she'd looked down to see her left arm in its entirety was missing. A missing left arm, structural damage to her left eye, third degree burns to forty percent of her body, half of her hair singed away, countless other conditions that put her in a state of pure shock. Never before had her injuries been so horrible, so hard to come to terms with. She hadn't even heard the nurse trying to calm her down with the information of a 'top of the line, cybernetic, titanium-alloy prosthetic'.

It had taken her a few days to come to grips with the idea of the prosthetic, a few hours of discussion with her doctors, and a several more hours she had no memory of to attach the metal replacement. Now she couldn't imagine living without it. Cosmetically, the fusion sites of skin to metal plating weren't attractive but it gave her an arm that was just as useful as the last one. Now, it was completely on display for anyone that looked her way. Liara could have planned this all along, a sort of immersion therapy. As uncomfortable as she was, Shepard filed away a reminder to thank Liara as soon as she saw her tonight.

Shepard sighed and rested her head against the pillar. There was only so much time she could take to herself and she'd already heard several parties asking about her as they walked by. The Alliance had wanted her to give some sort of speech but she'd flat-out denied the request. She was just a soldier doing her job, she didn't want to be up in front of all these people, and it was enough for her to simply attend. She ran her right hand through the remnants of her long, honey blonde hair. The damage had been mostly to her left side and after some persuasion from Jack, she'd shaved the left side of her head, leaving the right long. It was a bit extreme but it had become a part of her now.

Never in her life had Shepard truly felt self-conscious. She'd always owned her scars, the parts of her that weren't perfect, and never apologized for them. But now as she forced herself to take step after step in the jet-black stilettos, she ran her hands over the form-fitting dress like a nervous teenager. The fabric was cool and smooth to the touch and the hemline ended mid-thigh, not leaving her much room to move easily. The garment vaguely reminded her of the one she'd worn years ago on the greybox mission with Kasumi, only this time she didn't have anything covering her neck or shoulders. As someone who was used to practically living inside a suit of armor, this felt like she was wearing nothing.

"Shepard?" A warm voice called from her side and she whipped around to find the owner. "Spirits it _is_ you!"

"Garrus!" She moved as fast as the dress would allow to meet her best friend. "It's been too long!"

He held open his arms to her and pulled her in close as soon as she fell into him. It was much easier to hug him when he was in dress civvies. He was still all weird angles and hard plates but it was Garrus. How long had it been? Almost ten months, before the prosthetic and eye reconstruction surgery. They'd been able to communicate via messages but never vid comm, the same with the rest of her old team and friends that had to leave Earth for their own home worlds. She was grateful they even got what they had.

"It's good to see you. We were worried you wouldn't show."

"Why wouldn't I?"

He let her go and patted her metal shoulder. "You? A giant room full of politicians? People making speeches? The only alcohol being served barely makes you dizzy. This get together is practically made of Shepard repellant."

She laughed for what felt like the first time in ages. "Well I knew you couldn't resist coming just to ruffle some feathers, Vakarian. Like I'm going to miss out on that?"

"Garrus is that? Shepard! Keelah!"

Shepard wrapped her arms around Tali and laughed more. This party wasn't such a bad idea after all. She could feel her discomfort melting away. "Hey Tali."

"You said a prosthetic arm but Keelah, Shepard this is amazing!"

"It really is something," Garrus nodded in agreement. "Like they took off EDI's arm and shoulder then stuck them on you."

"Pretty sure she would have noticed if they'd gone missing," a cocky voice responded.

"Joker!"

Okay. Yes. This party was worth it. Shepard hadn't seen her friends in so long and now here they were. EDI approached moments later, handing Joker a champagne flute, continuing an easy conversation with Cortez and Traynor. She could feel the stupid grin on her face getting wider with each member of her crew that joined them. These people were her family and they were together again, perhaps a little worse for wear but together nonetheless. They were all here, everyone from the SR-1 and SR-2, chatting like no time had passed at all. It was a strange feeling that she found settling in the middle of her chest, as if she was not looking only at her best friends but the only people in the universe that could have ever gotten her though the past four years.

There hadn't been any need for her to be self-conscious. These people didn't care that one of her arms wasn't the original, that there was a strange reflective metal embedded into her left iris, that only half of her head had hair. They loved her no matter what she looked like. How could she be so lucky? How could she have ever thought they'd ever think less of her because of her appearance? The mind was as strange thing.

As she counted the numbers of their small group her stomach flopped. She had thought everyone was here. She could have sworn that she'd seen him somewhere. He had to be here somewhere, there was no way that he'd ever miss this. She scooted a bit further away from where she had been listening to Miranda and Liara to get a better view. Maybe she had just missed him as he weaved to another conversation.

"Shepard?" Miranda caught her sweeping gaze. "Everything alright?"

She pulled her lips into a tight line, fighting the disappointment she felt in her chest. "Yeah I just thought that-"

Suddenly, behind her, she heard the approach of heavy footsteps and felt the presence of someone she'd arguably missed the most. She turned slowly, hoping her sixth sense hadn't been toying with her.

"Hey Lola."


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: I will be out of the country for roughly the next six weeks(beginning of July ~ mid August), in an area with limited internet access. If I am able to I will upload more chapters. If not, I'll be back soon and please enjoy this chapter._

* * *

"James."

His name rolled over her like a soothing balm, a clear sky after sailing through a storm and she released a breath she hadn't known she was holding. It was cliché how he made her feel but she'd given up denying her feelings long ago. It had been just as long since she'd seen the rest of her crew but looking at him now made it feel like it had been years. It had been so long since she had allowed herself to be like this, so hopelessly lost, infatuated. Like some kind of puppy.

He looked as wonderful as ever: at ease posture, broad shoulders, strong jaw. Lieutenant James Vega was the physical embodiment of an ideal Alliance soldier. Most people wrote him off as some shallow jarhead but Shepard knew he was steadfast, charismatic, and above all empathetic. She'd come to trust him more than she'd thought possible. In those first few weeks of checking in during her trial she'd been guarded and cold, a way to work through the hurt of the entire experience but he'd never treated her like some criminal. By the time of the invasion the idea of parting ways had a lonesome pang filling her chest.

Luckily he'd been able to join her on the _Normandy_ and she'd gotten a chance to know him outside of her incarceration. He'd been much more jaded about his Alliance career than she'd noticed. Shepard could understand that anger, that disappointment, but she'd fought to bring him back from the brink. James had the rest of his life ahead of him, a chance to right his self-perceived wrongs, while she had been certain of her eventual death. Through all the bravado and flirting James continued to grow over the next few months.

He'd been there by her side through her tough decisions, too, whenever she needed him. Most of the time without even asking. Admittedly it was because he was already there when the tough times came along, she'd brought him along on most of the big-ticket missions and he'd never refused her invitations. He was always there to hand her a spare thermal clip, to cover her until her shields recharged, to offer reassuring words after seeing the disaster that was Thessia.

She would have gone for him, too, if he hadn't been so in love with the regs. Damn the regs. They were in the middle of a war that they had little hope of winning yet he wasn't going to give up his code of ethics. It made her bristle at the memory of it all. James flirted like it was going out of style but nothing was going to come from it. Towards the end of everything, especially during their brief and forced shore leave that had gone wrong, Shepard had to keep herself away from the Lieutenant. How could she keep herself in check when they were in the same room and he had those stupid muscles and that stupid smile and that stupid ability to read her at the drop of a hat? Talk about sexual frustration.

She slammed back to the present, away from her libido that had finally seemed to stir awake after a year, and smiled brightly. James was here. James was wearing a suit. God bless America. She wasn't sure what possessed her to do it but she held her arms out in front of her and moved forward. A panicked part of her brain was just about screaming, wondering what the _hell_ she was doing, that the most she had ever come into physical contact with James was a slap on the shoulder or sparring. She didn't stop, they weren't at war anymore and she wasn't his superior anymore. Commit, soldier!

Luckily, he didn't seem thrown-off by her actions. He opened his own arms, laughing, and pulled her in close. Hugging James was a bit more difficult than expected. He was just… there was just so much of him to try to hold! Shepard was just glad that she'd reached upwards in the last seconds before contact since wrapping her arms around his neck would be easier than his torso. Her cheek rested against the smooth fabric of his tux and here she could smell his aftershave and cologne: cool and herby with an undertone of some spice combination.

"Lookin' good, boss."

Shepard focused on the pressure of his arms around her waist, how intimate this gesture felt. "Not your boss anymore, Vega."

She felt him nod against her head. "Sorry. Habit I guess."

With a chuckle and a pat on his shoulders she released her grip. Even with her heels on she'd had to reach upwards and her calf muscles were protesting against her will. Shepard sighed happily; the final piece in the puzzle of the _Normandy_ crew was here.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Hello once again! I've returned from my six week trip and have lots lots lots to upload! Enjoy this chapter_

* * *

James looked away from Shepard's face for a few seconds and surveyed the room. Just as he was about to return his attention to her he broke out into a smile that made Shepard's stomach do front-flips.

"Shit! Hey Esteban! How've you been, man?"

From behind her she heard a playful groan from Cortez. "Well if it isn't James Vega. Good to see the promotion didn't go straight to your giant head and you'll still associate with us lowlifes."

 _Promotion?_

"Pretty much everyone in this room got a damn promotion, amigo. Including you. Just another title to tack in front of my name."

"Whatever you say, _Commander_."

Shepard blinked in surprise. James was a Commander now? How had she not heard of this? She traced through her memories from after the coma, scouring every surface she could find. There was the surgeries, the extensive physical therapy, the housing assignment outside of Vancouver, turning down her own promotion to Captain… nothing came to the surface about James' change of title. She _had_ been busy in the last few months but surely Hackett or Liara would have sent word of something like that. Even James himself. He wasn't some stranger to her now that they didn't work together. They chatted several times a month with lengthy update messages. Why had he omitted something like this?

"I'll be right back, Lola. Gotta settle a few scores with Scars now that we're in the same room."

"James," she automatically warned, the old Commander Shepard climbing to the surface.

He chuckled and shook his head. "No worries, Commander. Just some bets we set before the war that never were collected."

Shepard watched him greet Garrus with a firm handshake and an easy grin, and the two both pulled up their omni's in a way that said they'd taken to placing bets numerous times before. Whatever it was they bet on, she wasn't sure she wanted to know. It was probably about who had the most headshots or who annoyed Kaidan on the most occasions. When Kaidan himself came up to speak with both of them she had to shake her head. If he was in on the betting there was no _way_ she wanted to know what it was about.

Joker approached and offered Shepard a drink. "New title looks good on Vega, can't lie about it. Covers up the stupid pretty well."

Shepard took a quick pull on the liquid, happy to realize it was a gin and tonic. Mostly gin. Joker was a good listener if he remembered a miniscule detail like her favorite drink, but it didn't surprise her. Joker was always on top of things. "Wonder why he never told me."

"Relax, Shepard. He's probably just been busy. Most of us have been."

"But your updates tell me just about everything going on in your life, Joker. I think I know what you normally eat for breakfast on Tuesdays by now."

The pilot sighed lightly and shook his head. He was still wearing a SR-2 cap. Somehow it worked with his suit. "We've known each other for a lot longer than most people in this room. Hell, how many times did you sit up with me when you couldn't sleep? I think we went through every possible conversation topic. Cut the Meathead some slack, he obviously had his reasons."

She nodded, conceding defeat. "You're right. You always were the smarter one between us."

"Well shit. I'm getting that engraved on my tombstone: 'Here lies Flight Lieutenant Jeff "Joker" Moreau, Smarter than Commander Shepard'."

"Still not smarter than EDI."

Joker laughed. "She's got an unfair advantage."

Shepard leaned against Joker's arm, enjoying their companionable silence for a few beats as they watched people talk, dance, and laugh. "I never apologized for my decision. Wiping out the Geth and AIs. Joker I-"

"Don't sweat it, Shepard," he stole her drink and took a swig before returning it, "With all the tech experts we had on the _Normandy_ we had the old girl operational in just over two weeks. It helps that she had a hunch and stashed away enough backups to sink a ship."

"Still…"

"Allie. I mean it. Don't worry about it. What we do need to worry about is you getting laid. Got any moves you're going to make on G.I. James?"

"Jeff!"

"What?" Joker sidestepped Shepard trying to shush him, chuckling. "All you two idiots did on board was make googly eyes at each other. Really gross. The crew had bets on when you'd finally hook up but you had to let us down. Bad Commander."

Shepard nearly choked on her drink. She coughed around the ice cube that had lodged itself in her throat and waited several seconds until it melted. "You all _took bets_ on me and James?! Oh my god, Joker! You thought we were 'making googly eyes' at each other?!"

"Yep. Oddly enough, EDI was the only one that wouldn't place a bet. I tried to convince her to change her mind more than once." Joker scratched at his beard; he was talking about this like someone would talk about the weather. Far too casually. "She said James was too much of a rule-following man to ever 'listen to his biological urges'."

"Remind me to send EDI a fruit basket and to thank her profusely."

"What for, Shepard?" EDI joined their conversation. "Have I done something valuable?"

"Vega and Shepard," Joker explained simply. Again, he could have been talking about something as mundane as baseball stats. "I think the Commander thought she was good at hiding her feelings."

EDI watched Shepard's now burning face for a few moments and then smiled. "I have several catalogued video logs demonstrating how poorly you did so, Shepard."

"I've seen them. They're hilarious," Joker interjected.

"Besides Jeff, I have yet to share them with anyone. They are narrated as well to point out attributes such as body language and tone of conversation."

"Oh god." Shepard downed the rest of her drink, grimacing around the alcohol. "Who narrated the videos?"

The only answer she needed was Joker's smirk.

"Delete them. I'm begging you."

"Would you like to view them first? Perhaps you could take notes on your performances?" Deep down, EDI was probably trying to help, but Shepard was convinced this was some kind of retribution for the Red Beam of Death. "Shall I send them to you?"

"Hey Shepard!" James called to her, forcing her table the discussion of the videos. "Get your ass over here and settle a debate!"

Joker smacked her butt as she moved forward. "Go get him, tiger."

"Jeff, I fail to see how Shepard resembles a large cat," EDI noted aloud.

The last she heard was Joker's forgiving sigh. "I'll explain later."

Shepard inwardly screamed, willing her cheeks to stop blushing and continued forward cursing the day she ever set eyes on James Vega.


	4. Chapter 4

"Alright, Garrus. How much money are you about to lose?" Shepard approached warily, noticing Garrus' sour expression. "In the same thread, don't ask me for anything. You did this to yourself."

Garrus rolled his eyes, unreceptive to her joke. "Oh _I'm_ not going to lose anything. Mr. Vega has a poor memory – probably from all the concussions. Crash any shuttles lately?"

"Laugh it up, Scars. I'm the one that made sure Dr. Eva didn't get away."

"At the expense of one of our shuttles."

James shrugged. "Couldn't have been as bad as Shepard driving the Mako."

"Hey now!" Shepard interjected defensively, wresting her hand on James' bicep. "I was a wonderful driver… I only made Wrex throw up once… after we went over that cliff."

"Be happy you weren't there, Vega." Garrus eyed her hand and shot her a quick, and typical Garrus, shit eating grin. So he knew too. Shepard pulled her hand away as if she had been burned and clenched it into a fist. "There were times were I was sure that I was never going to see Palaven again. And Krogan vomit takes several heavy duty washings to dilute the stench."

"You're a real comedian, Garrus. Now what was I called over here for?"

"Remember the first brute we ran into on Palaven?" James waited for Shepard to nod before continuing. "Garrus here thinks he made the kill shot but I'm pretty convinced it was me."

 _That_ was why she was over here? That was more than a year ago and they had held on to that information? Sometimes her friends could be idiots. They were all amazing in their own respective fields but damn they could be really stupid if they put their minds to it. She shook her head, unbelieving that they were fighting over this.

"I thought you were making bets."

"Nah, just a few discrepancies in the stories we've been telling everyone. Figured you'd remember how this one went down," Garrus offered. "Besides, James owes me quite a bit of money from all the poker games we played. He can't afford to bet against me right now."

"Still convinced that visor helped you cheat, Birdman."

"Ouch. That hurts my feelings James. Don't reduce our conversations to name calling just because you know I'm right."

"You two are ridiculous," she laughed.

The three of them together reminded her of all the time they'd spent joking together when they'd gone out on missions. They were a pretty good match for one another. Garrus took the high ground with his sniper rifle, James took the middle with the assault rifle, and Shepard got right up in the front to fire off biotic attacks. Back then they'd told jokes to cut through the tension of war: seeing bodies strewn around them, distant screams of the innocent, the heat radiating from a far-off Reaper beam. Now, these jokes were simply for the pleasure of smiling and laughing. It was strange to be in such a relaxed environment with the two of them but it was a nice change of pace. Shepard was once again overwhelmed by how much had changed in just a year, how much their lives had permanently changed because of one decision she'd made.

"Shepard?" Garrus looked at her as if she were a wounded animal. "Everything alright?"

Shepard refocused her attention to her friends. "Yeah, sorry. I was just remembering how _I_ killed that brute."

"No way, Lola!" James crossed his arms. "You didn't."

"I did. I distinctly remember you were reloading your rifle," she narrowed her eyes at James, "and Garrus you were too busy shouting at James. You left the door wide open so I swooped in and fired off a few rounds and a reave."

The two former teammates looked at each other as if someone had just taken off the rose-colored glasses that they saw their war stories through. James's mouth was slightly open, eyebrows knitted together over chocolate eyes as his mind put together the correct memories. Garrus' mandibles fluttered in surprise, no doubt putting the same pieces of the puzzle together. It was adorable. She hadn't meant to steal their thunder, to ruin what was apparently a wonderful story, but she really wished she could have a framed photo of their expressions.

"Another drink, Commander?" A young waiter held out a tray for her now-empty glass.

"No, thanks." James responded automatically. He realized that he hadn't been the one asked and grimaced when he noticed the expression on Shepard's face. "Sorry."

The waiter hadn't noticed the misunderstanding, and reached for the glass. "What can I get you?"

"I'm alright. Thank you, though." Shepard nodded to the boy, happy to be gone with the condensation heavy glass.

"Well as much as I'd love to stay and hear the awkward conversation that is bound to happen," Garrus cleared his throat as he began to walk away, "I'm being waved down by the Primarch. Excuse me."

James looked down to her. "Wanna dance?"

"James. You've seen my dancing skills. They're almost as bad as my Mako driving skills. I could accidentally kill you out there."

"I could teach you, you know. You'd be a quick study."

She chose not to respond to his offer. The last thing she needed was people staring at her as she focused on not tripping and dying on the dance floor. Even the slow tempo string pieces they were playing now could prove to be fatal ammunition when paired with her lack of grace. The idea of being that close to James wasn't even enough of an incentive to learn. She had no doubt that he would ask her a few more times throughout the night. James was going to treat this like a game, the persistent and beautiful fool.

"I'm going to get some fresh air," Shepard announced after a few seconds of silence. Garrus was right - this _was_ awkward.

James followed her closely. "I'll join you."


	5. Chapter 5

She said nothing on the short walk to the balcony. It was a new addition and apparently had been very popular tourist spot since it offered some of the best views of the city. Allowing tourists into Alliance headquarters seemed a bit strange but then again, they'd made almost everything they could into a memorial after the war. The small plaque they passed was a testament to their fervor: _Dedicated to the men and women who gave the ultimate sacrifice on the day of the Reaper invasion_. The bitter flavor from before came back to her mouth. Surely, their lost lives were worth more than a silly wrap around balcony. It was just another thing she'd have to accept. At least they were being remembered; at least there was an additional plaque with the names of those lost in the building explosion.

Up this high, the cool wind caressed her hair moving it in lazy tendrils in front of her face. Shepard didn't try to move them out of her way; she wasn't here for the incredible view. It was something to distract her mind, though and she hung on to the blinking and flashing lights that danced over the water. They helped her gather her thoughts.

 _Everyone knew that I wanted James. I was that transparent._ She sighed, pulling her arms close to her body against the chill. _Now he's here, he's a Commander now. Should I tell him? Would he reject me? Get it together, Shepard. You're a grown woman just tell him already! Brand new Alliance cadets have more balls than you do._

"Nice view," James commented from her side.

Shepard wasn't looking out ahead anymore and instead looked at his strong profile. "It sure is."

"Never had views like this back home."

"Same."

James leaned forward, resting his arms on the thick metal railing. "What was it like growing up where you did?"

"In New York?" Shepard looked back to the water. "Dirty, loud, lonely."

"Sorry, Lola. Shouldn't have asked."

A gust of wind slammed against them and stripped away any accumulated warmth Shepard had saved. "It's fine, James. It got better. I've been pretty lucky."

He laughed. "You call a galactic war 'lucky'?"

"You know what I mean. I've met amazing people, made friendships many people don't get the chance to make, seen people that used to hate each other work together for a common good. It's been a wild ride but a good life."

"You always were the optimist out of all of us." James straightened and shrugged out of his jacket. "I still don't know how you do it."

"What are you doing?"

"You're shivering. Here."

Carefully, Shepard slipped into the jacket. Instantly she was enveloped in the warmth of it, the smell of James that lingered in the fabric. It was much too large for her and she wasn't able to see her hands but she didn't mind at all. It almost reached the end of her dress. She almost didn't notice James reaching forward to touch her hair. Shepard held back a gasp as he pulled her tresses out from under the jacket to let them rest on top. Perhaps she had been imagining it all, but his fingers lingered in the gold strands longer than they should have before smoothing down the jacket's shoulders.

"Thank you, Commander." She managed to whisper.

"About that…"

"Why didn't you tell me? Countless messages and I had no clue you'd been promoted. I would have sent you something in congratulations."

He raised an eyebrow. "What would you have sent?"

"I don't know. Maybe a bottle of that tequila you kept talking about."

"It's pretty expensive stuff, jefe. You didn't need to get me anything. It's just a title."

Shepard ignored him calling her 'boss' again. She wasn't sure why this was making her so upset. It wasn't like he had an obligation to tell her everything in his life. James was fully entitled to have things he kept private, but he had to have known she would find out eventually. They were close, good friends. Wouldn't he tell her if he was given a new ranking? Did he still think he didn't deserve it? She pulled his jacket closer to her body as she realized that was more than likely the case. She felt the rough edges of her anger soften, along with her posture.

"You've done so much for all of us that the least I could do for you is buy a bottle of booze. You deserve the promotion, James. You're a good man. You can stop beating yourself up for Fehl Prime."

James reached up to rub his neck. "You deserved the promotion they offered you, too. Why didn't you take it? You never went deeper than 'It wasn't for me' in our messages."

Shepard swallowed around the lump that had formed in her throat. Yes, she'd rejected the position, but not for the reasons people had thought she had. She had yet to tell anyone the real reason. James would be a good jumping point, she decided. If anyone was going to listen to her explanation thoroughly it would be him.

With a shake she poked her left hand out from the jacket and held it in front of them. The light from inside shone on one side of the metal, illuminating all of the delicate and intricate pieces. Shepard knew if she looked up to James, the same light would also reflect off of the ocular implant and she did so slowly making sure he was watching her eyes.

"They told me that this arm was combat ready after I woke up. I can hold guns, shoot them too. All of the movements are my own… something about neural impulses and cybernetics. It's almost like I never lost an arm if you don't look at it. Sometimes I can see that the movements I make are more precise than they were before, closer to perfect. They gave me an impressive weapon. It doesn't bleed, it's damn near impossible to break, and its impervious to electrical currents. Techs can't overload it. The only way it's coming off is if I'm in a room with two doctors and three nurses keeping me absolutely still. Even then it takes almost an hour.

The eye isn't quite as impressive. The surgery was mostly to reconstruct what had been damaged. There's nothing special about the metal they implanted, no cybernetics or mystery powers I have yet to discover. Just an eye with metal pieces inside of it to keep it working. Kind of a let down after the arm. I admit it. Should have asked them to stick a bunch of fancy tech in it while they were in there.

I'm off topic. I didn't take the promotion because I didn't feel like I could go back. I don't really feel like a soldier anymore. I don't even feel like a Commander anymore, even though they let me keep that title. It's almost like the pieces of me that I lost after the Crucible were the 'Commander Shepard' pieces of me. When I was laying in that hospital bed after the operations I had a lot of time to think. Was I even an Alliance solider anymore? Did I even have the right to live the life of a normal woman? Where did I even belong after all of this? If some people had their way I'd be behind bars. I'd given this place enough of my blood, enough of my tears, enough of my friend's lives. Two weeks later I sent a message to Hackett to let him know about my decision and he pushed the paperwork through."

James had been watching her with guarded eyes through her entire speech. He hadn't moved closer or further away and his arms were crossed over his chest. Through the fabric of his button-up shirt Shepard could make out the outlines of his shoulder tattoos, dark and intricate. She wished he would say something, make some kind of joke. His body language was anything but relaxed at her confession. Tense. Confused. Overwhelmed, maybe?

"What did you decide?" She almost missed his response it came out so quietly.

It felt like she was being scolded, the way he was looking at her. Was this what being yelled at by your parents felt like? Shepard took a deep breath through her nose and braced herself for his reaction.

"I told him I was done, that I wanted out. The paperwork cited an 'honorable discharge from active duty for astounding, above and beyond service'. Next thing I knew I was swimming up to my eyeballs in medals that showed up on my doorstep. People assume that I didn't take the position because I'm too humble. I didn't take the position because I knew that I couldn't be what they needed anymore. You're the only person besides Hackett and Liara that know all this. Everyone else assumes I've kept my title. The Shadow Broker helped seal my file, no one's getting a look at the truth."

"In all of the messages," he paused to take a deep breath, "you said you were keeping busy. What were you doing exactly?"

"I've been in close contact with Kahlee Sanders, Jack, and Miranda, working on biotic amp blueprints and improvements. It's a lab job, no shooting anyone, but it makes me happy."

The tension was rolling off of his shoulders and he shook his head. "You gave it all up?"

"James, please."

He stepped forward to take her hand into his. Shepard wished she could feel how warm his skin was against the metal of her hand but all she was aware of was the pressure. Cybernetics were a medical marvel but there was only so far they could go. Her green eyes watched his movements, how he traced the indentations and curves in the metal like they were some kind of maze. She'd thought their hug had been intimate but this took the cake. Shepard wasn't sure she was even breathing properly.

"Can you feel any of this?" He asked when he reached her elbow.

Shepard caught her lower lip between her teeth and slowly shook her head like she was in some kind of trance. "Just the pressure."

James frowned and let the jacket sleeve fall back over the arm. "Strange."

"You don't have to stop."

His eyes flickered to hers in surprise. The request was a bold move, something that made her feel nauseous, and she felt herself blush when James' tongue darted out to wet his lips. "Alright."

Instead of moving back to her arm, his hand brushed against her collarbone. Shepard involuntarily jumped at his touch but didn't stop him as he slid the jacket off of her left shoulder. This was the one part of her that she didn't want James to see, the nasty fusion scars. They had been completely visible to him before when they had been inside but this felt so different. James could see every pucker of the skin, every uneven layer of scar tissue. The band of the scar couldn't' have been wider than two inches but right now, even in the relative dark, it felt a mile long.

Shepard looked for a fraction of a second to her left to see if anyone inside was watching them but most of the crowd had moved towards the open dance floor at the other end of the hall where the stringed music continued to play, the ones that remained behind were deep in conversation and oblivious to the two of them just yards away. What luck they had.

"I left you behind to run into that beam alone," James mumbled as he traced the metal border. "I should have been there with you."

Her right hand reached up to cup his cheek. James closed his eyes at her touch. "It's alright. Don't beat yourself up about it."

He leaned into her hand letting out a humorless chuckle. "I'll never forgive myself for not being there. Almost killed Garrus when he held me back. I could have kept going, Shepard."

"You were wounded."

"'I need to know someone makes it out of this alive'," he quoted darkly. "That cut deep, Lola. You were telling me you were going to die, you know."

An unwanted pool of tears welled at the corner of her eyes and she moved her hand away from his face to cover the one on her shoulder. When she spoke, her voice was thick with emotion. "I'm here now, aren't I?"

"I should have been there with you," James repeated. His now open eyes bored into her, making the calm sea inside of her turn into a choppy ocean. "Should have dodged that Mako."

"I had to make sure you were safe."

"Why?"

As if he even had to ask. He was a part of her crew, a part of her family. James Vega knew that to his core. If you were a part of Commander Shepard's motley crew then you had her at your back for better or worse. There was no going back, even if you did something thought to be unforgivable she saw the good in people. She at least tried.

Shepard remembered how terrified she had been on that battlefield. She'd pushed down the fear inside of her as best as she could as she called in the _Normandy_ for an evac but the wavering in her voice had given her away. Long before that final run she had come to terms with the fact that she was going to die in order to stop the Reapers. If James made it out alive then it would be worth it. If he died right there in the middle of everything she wasn't sure if she would have been able to keep going. The thought of him dying there chilled her to the bone. Her crew, her family, they had to live on even if she couldn't. She'd given everything she could for those she loved.

"Because I love you, James."


	6. Chapter 6

_Author's Note: Well, here it is... the last chapter. Thank you for taking the time to read this story. I've really enjoyed writing it! Best Wishes to all of you. ; )_

* * *

Time slowed and stretched between them. She had finally said it, finally confessed what had kept her up for countless nights. It was as if someone had removed the last piece of lead that had been resting over her lungs and now she could breathe freely. Shepard had managed to not say it when they were on the _Normandy_ , she'd typed it numerous times in their messages only to delete it seconds later, and she'd practiced saying it in the mirror. It wasn't looming over her anymore. She loved James. It was that simple.

Shepard felt the vacated space inside of her where the worrying had been slowly eating her alive. It was so light now, so ready to hopefully put new and better memories in its place. It all depended on James now. What would he say after she had dropped a bomb like that on him with zero warning? The uncertainty should have filled up that empty hole in her but surprisingly the feeling faded. She just needed him to know, she realized. If he didn't reciprocate it would hurt but she wouldn't let it destroy her.

"How long?" He eventually asked, his hand moved up to brush against the peach fuzz of her head. "How long have you known?"

"Does it really matter?"

"Humor me, Lola."

Shepard smiled, remembering when she had first known that she loved him. "Dr. Bryson's lab. When you stayed to keep Ann company, to comfort her."

This seemed to startle him more than her actual proclamation of love, his eyes wide. He stepped closer, almost enveloping her with his body, looking at her like she was some creature he couldn't understand. "That long ago? I'd been with the team for less than a month by then. Dios, Shepard…"

"It's the truth. Not many people would show up on one of their very few free days to make sure someone we were investigating was okay. You've got one hell of a heart, James."

He leaned forward and down to rest his forehead against hers, and took a shaky breath. All this time she had been focusing on her own reaction to James' touches and glances that she hadn't even thought about his own. Now she felt the hand against her head tremble just enough to feel, the other arm that he had wrapped around her torso holding her surprisingly tight. Shepard wondered if he had been like this the entire time they'd stood out here, if she had totally missed the signs of his own nerves. She wrapped her arms around his neck and began to slowly massage the tense muscles there.

"I'm going to wake up any time now," he murmured while slowly angling his head. "My luck's going to run out."

"I doubt it."

"I don't deserve-"

"James Vega." Shepard snapped her eyes open to meet his own. "You deserve every happiness, do you understand me? You're worthy of it all."

"Allie," the raw tone of his voice saying her name made her gasp. "I love you, too."

That was it. The dam broke then and there. It didn't matter if she closed the space between them first or if he did because all she knew was that she was kissing James. He was kissing her. Fireworks exploded in her head, the butterflies in her stomach were going insane. No kiss had ever felt like this one, she thought, nothing had felt as good as this did. She had been insane moments ago when she thought she would be fine if he hadn't felt the same. Not having this - not having this man hold her close like this, loving her - would have mortally wounded her. His lips were full and he was smiling into the kiss, she memorized the feeling of his skin on hers. Bring on another Reaper invasion; she'd face them all alone if it meant she could have this for the rest of her life.

Every thought that had been circling around in her head over the past few hours few out the window. It was all James now. An involuntary moan escaped her lips when he moved away to kiss her neck. How many times had she mocked people when they'd told her what love felt like? How many times had she shaken her head and walked away thinking they were completely crazy? They had been right. Jesus she was lucky that they hadn't hooked up while they were on mission. Point one, James. If they had, Shepard wasn't sure if she would have been able to focus on the mission. She would have made any excuse to get away from the War Room, to ignore her responsibilities in exchange for just a few moments like this. She would be hard pressed to find something better than this.

As much as she wanted this to continue she knew they were on borrowed time. Their luck of being undiscovered and uninterrupted would go dry, someone would walk out onto the balcony to find two of the war's most distinguished soldiers locked in a heated game of tonsil hockey. That didn't mean that she immediately stopped. She savored every touch, every kiss, and pulled James' head back up to crash her lips onto his. However brief this encounter turned out to be, the minutes they were stealing were theirs and no one else's.

Slowly, the starving kisses turned into delicate pecks. Shepard reached up to kiss both of his temples, his eyelids, and the side of his mouth. When she returned to his lips his smile had turned into a beam. "When did you know?"

"Think I've always known, mi amor. I remember getting the news of the destruction of the first _Normandy_. Didn't even know you then, Lola, but that really messed me up for some reason. Left a sick feeling in the bottom of my gut for weeks. Then I get this once and a lifetime chance after learning that the rumors were true, Commander Shepard _was_ alive, and Anderson wanted me to watch you during your trial. As soon as I saw you when I walked into your holding cell I knew I was a goner."

"I'm serious."

James kissed her forehead and met her gaze. "So am I. You were so calm about it all. Turned yourself in even when you knew you did all that you could for those Batarians. I remember you were pretty cold in the beginning."

"Sorry."

"I understood. They had you on lockdown, someone watching your every move. Then eventually you opened up and that suspicion I had reared its head again. You were kind, smart as a whip, and funny as hell. Not to mention beautiful. I don't know how everyone you meet doesn't fall immediately in love with you."

Shepard felt a blush blooming on her cheeks. "It doesn't help that most of the time I've got a gun in their face."

"That would-"

"Hey, lovebirds!"

Shepard had never extracted herself from someone's grasp that fast. Her hand reached for a gun that wasn't there, an old habit she knew she'd never outgrow. When she came up empty for any kind of excuse she steeled herself to look at whoever had caught them. She found Kaidan watching her carefully, arms crossed over his chest, a relaxed upturn on his lips.

"Kaidan?"

"Sorry to interrupt. Joker sent me out here to make sure you didn't, and these are his words, not mine… to make sure you didn't. Aw hell, he sent me out here to see if we were going to be a few thousand credits richer."

She could feel James' eyes on the middle of her back, practically burning the question into it. It was then that she remembered that he had no idea about the betting. "We'll be right in. Thanks for not relaying Joker's exact message."

Kaidan nodded. "Sure thing, Shepard."

"Mind filling me in?" James wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they moved towards the doors.

"It's kind of a long story."

He shrugged, running his free hand through his hair. "The night's young, cariño. You could explain it to me on the dance floor."

"James, I told you. I won't dance."

"Not even with me? "

She squinted as they re-entered the banquet hall. At that exact moment she heard whoops and wolf-whistles not too far away from them. There stood the crew, giving each other high fives and transferring credits into various accounts. They were a happy bunch when they were a rich bunch. She didn't want to know how much they had all betted each other. She also didn't want to be the loser in that situation, either. Whoever they were, they didn't seem too upset to have lost money.

James seemed to have put enough of the puzzle together in those few seconds because before she knew it he had one arm around her waist and was dipping her, dramatically kissing her. This made the crew whoop even louder. Shepard couldn't even be mad. She laughed as he pulled her back up and against his chest. This was her new favorite place to be.

"I'd really like to know why they're so thrilled," he tried again. "One dance?"

She knew she had lost the fight. Her hand found his and squeezed lightly. "Only if you promise to not let go."

"You got it, Lola."

They moved to the dance floor, the _Normandy_ crew right on their heels. Like James had said, the night was young. Anything could happen, especially when they were all together.


End file.
